The Daily Shirt

Theme Week...ish...

2007-02-12T16:38:00.000-05:00

Well then...you know how sometimes you tell yourself that you're going to do something...or start doing something...or get back into doing something...and then you promptly fall back in the same old lazy patterns? Well welcome back to The Daily Shirt!

So here's the deal... I'm going to start - right this very moment...now! - another theme week that I've been kicking around for a little while now, in the hopes that it jump starts more frequent, regular (ha!) posting on Ye Ald Shirt.

You've missed it; I've missed doing it; and the damn shirt just won't shut up about it, so here we go...

And what is this theme week, you might be axing yourself? Well it's none other than...

Rehab Week !!!

And the first honour is bestowed upon a hollywood party girl; she's known to have both a temper AND repeated instances of public nudity back in the days of hitting the sauce; supposedly she's been in some movies or something (I can't think of any, and can't be bothered to go to Wiki to find any); and now she's drying out somewhere...now only getting high on life.

Say hello to The (hopefully more frequent) Daily Shirt!

When the road ahead is rocky...

2007-01-22T15:49:00.000-05:00

I know, I know...I'm a very bad Shirtmaster (and blogger).

I really have no good excuse; of course, I can conjure up a ton of lame ones...

I could tell you about how I slipped in the shower and hit my head. This led to 4 weeks of narcolepsy, which, unfortunately for The Daily Shirt, was triggered by logging into blogger.

Or, how I got roped into trying to make the world's largest veggie lasagne. Except I don't like veggie lasagne, and decided to reverse-engineer it into the world's largest cherry pie. That didn't work out so well, so it was lasagne smoothies for everyone!

Then there was the week I spent leaving subversive grafitti in the public restrooms at the White House. (If you see "Roses are red/Violets are blue/If I saw most of my family and friends killed, had my livelihood taken away and I lived in fear of roaming militias/I'd blow stuff up too," you know it's me)...

How about the time I spent hanging out with today's Daily Shirt...well not really. But this post is all about lame excuses. And speaking of which, here's the shirt.

See y'all soon...for real this time!

Try Hard

2006-12-22T15:39:00.000-05:00

Well here we finally are; the holiday is upon us, and this of course means that the shirt is almost done with the xmas theme.

And not a moment too soon, either.

You see, we've realised that a theme week is fine; the shirt can indulge a little, and be it's own inside joke. It's all in good, though often times strange, fun.

But this business about month-long a lead-up to the holiday has been taxing on all of us. Pretty well, this recent experience has destroyed any joy that the season might bring for Frank, Red, Lil' E and of course yours truly. It's true. And by true, I mean I can't speak for the others. Ventriloquism is tricky that way.

So, with that, here's the shirt, in keeping with the theme since we're not quitters. Usually.

Gnomes and cauliflower

2006-12-15T10:00:00.000-05:00

Something occured to me as I shirtmastered my way into work this morning.

See, around these parts, the big build-up to the shoptacular extravaganza known as the Xmas holiday is the my place of employment/amusement shuts down for darn near two weeks; my co-workers scattering to the ends of the earth in search of riches and artifacts of a by-gone era. But mostly they see family and friends...and hunt gnomes.

But this means that since I, up to this point, have updated The Daily Shirt exculsively from the office, I'm gonna...I'm gonna have to do it from elsewhere. This is troublesome.

Now, like most people, while I have my comforable little patterns, I'm not adverse to changing things up occasionally. But this might just cross the pink, flowered line.

Some places just a certain magic that ceaselessly inspires - for better or for worse. So, I guess what I'm getting at - aside from my disdain for cauliflower (you know were tight, other veggies; but cauliflower, you've got to go) - is that I indeed am apprehensive about quality of the non-workplace Daily Shirt updates.

Well...not really. But it did give me something to write about before revealing the shirt. It's like xmas came early...minus all the hurt feelings.

Sticks or brushes?

2006-12-12T16:11:00.000-05:00

Well then, here we are with another holiday Shirt. I for one am getting pretty sick of this theme (much like the holiday itself). But, this blog isn't going to stupid itself - so here be I to help matters along.

Today's Daily Shirt is another 'holiday classic;' and by that I mean a television program not yet 50 years old that indulges in the Judeo-Christian holiday story.

You know the one. Santa, in his stork-driven camel makes his way across the desert following a star (but not understanding astronomy, doesn't realise he's travelling in circles). His job, every Xmas, is to deliver babies and presents to all of the good little adults and children of the world. And some of the bad ones that he doesn't know about. But that's irrelevant. Anyhoo, somewhere along the way, he departs from his usual roundabout and stumbles across a distinctly rhythmic drum pattern. (Legend has it that it was the pattern itself that led Santa astray, but that's a question for the theologists).

Recognising distinctly the cadence of an 11/4 beat, Santa loses all control of his motor skills and starts randomly dropping babies and presents from his magical chariot, despite the precise list of what goes where that Mohammed has prepared.

It's a mess. With the landscape littered with babies and merchendise, Santa comes crashing down in a little town in the Middle East. Dazed and disoriented, Santa does the unthinkable: He randomly gives the Mystical Action Figure of Holy Infinty to the first kid he runs across. And that's the story of Jesus' first G.I. Joe.

And who do we have to blame? Why, it's today's Daily Shirt.

Not the town in Oklahoma, Missouri or West Virginia

2006-12-07T11:18:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...still not Xmas yet, eh?

And so it goes, today's Daily Shirt is another of the species Holidayus characterus, a seasonal entity that only makes an appearance for short periods of time and under certain cultural conditions.

1) They only appear from about late November through December.

2) They only appear on television screens; they are never seen 'in person' (as they aren't actually 'persons' - duh!)

3) They require the existence of a market based economy; without which, desire for goods cannot be created, thus undermining the entire genus of Holidayus.

4) Their cultural impact derives from nothing more profound than familiarity and habit. Some of these creatures go back decades, and require that exposure to them starts young, so as to appeal to multiple generations.

These are just a few of the characteristics of the species. More specific species modifiers (like whether they melt when exposed to heat, or if they leave giant, often comically proportioned footprints) will be specific to the specimen.

Here it is...

Dental Dwarf

2006-12-04T11:37:00.000-05:00

Today's Daily Shirt got this Shirtmaster is a pot of ridicule, when I wasn't quite able to place the face.

"Where have I been at Xmas time?" asked one.

"What kind of weirdo doesn't remember this?" ponders another.

Well, I'll tell you.

First, not watching this stuff.

And second, me.

Now, in reality, the head does look familiar, and after a little memory refreshment, I did remember - vaguely - what these strange people with all these fond memories of today's Daily Shirt were talking about. But there's a valuable lesson here. People shouldn't go around making fun of those who are different from them, because they might end up with their desk drawers glued shut.

Hey, can I borrow your stapler (heh, heh, heh...)

The Right Honourable Snowman

2006-12-01T08:47:00.000-05:00

Well, look at what we have here, The Shirtmaster has decided to shirtmaster his way up to the blogulator, and turn the crank, pull the lever, feed the chinchillas, sacrifice the goat AND submit to the retinal scan just to make a December 1st post.

A funny thing happens around here come this, the oneth day of twelfthst month; see, it's become apparent that Frank operates on 'mall time.'

What is this mall time, and how can I set my VCR to it, you may, but probably aren't asking?

Mall time is the countdown to the 25th of December, and the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Santa Claus. Now, depending on what 'mall timezone' you're in, this can begin anywhere from the day after Halloween (which, of course, commemorates the birth of Satan and Vanilla Ice...coincidence???) to the day after American thanksgiving (where, of course, they give thanks that the pilgrims had superiour firepower with which to decimate the native population).

Anyway, this means that starting today, Frank will play holiday music and indulge in holiday themes, all the way up to our Xmas break.

Joy of joys.

Hence today's Daily Shirt. Now, your Shirtguide wasn't sure what today's head was, but apparently it's a holiday themed monstrosity that Santa sent as his envoy to bring a train set to Jesus (even though his Xmas list specifically asked for a Transformer). Regardless. This has something to do with the holidays. As will most of the rest of the posts for this month. Another theme week, perhaps. Nope, just got lazy there for a bit.

Enjoy!

Something to sink your teeth into

2006-11-27T11:33:00.000-05:00

What's going on, Shirtentologists?

It's riddle time!

What one thing is a bull, nurse, tiger, angel, carpet, whale, dog, cow, rough, prickly, saw, horned, ground, requiem, cat, makrel goblin, megamouth, leopard, frill, arrowhead?

No, it's not a bullnursetigercarpetwhaledogcowroughpricklysaw-opotomus.

Nor is it a hornedgroundrequiemcatmakrelgoblinmegamouthleopardfrillarrowhead-asauraus.

Why, it's today's Daily Shirt!

(Yeah, I know; that question requires a little bit of intellectual dishonesty for it to work. Sorry. Needed to blogify - and quick, today - so that's the best I can do... But if it makes you feel any better, Shirty itself is pretty upset about being the star of such a crappy post. Sometimes a Shirtmaster just can't win...)

K-K-Kramer

2006-11-23T12:15:00.000-05:00

A quick Daily Shirt update today, with another Shirting-As-Reprimand (as has so often been the case as of late).

As you might be able to tell from the title of this post, today's Daily Shirt was tactless enough to not keep his prejudices to himself, and drop a few n-bombs in mixed company recently.

Not only is that simply bad karma and a dramatically dishonourable way to live your life, but if you're a public figure, it's career suicide. And for one such as today's Daily Shirt, who's career is pretty well based on one character that he was lucky enough to play for a few years, this bit of career suicide might prove to be more profound than a Mel Gibson spouting off, for instance.

Time will tell, of course, and people can be awfully forgiving of a familiar face, but this recent episode, aside from giving me a good cultural touchstone cum wag of the finger for Shirty, serves to once again highlight an inherant frailty of the human psyche, celebrity or not.

Don't be hatin', he of the two first names...

Roving Eye

2006-11-21T12:09:00.000-05:00

I just got my Shirtmaster report card, and I'm well aware that my punctuality has been slipping as of late. I have no excuse - except for laziness - which, as it turns out, is a pretty good all-purpose excuse. So, I guess I do have one.

Anyhoo, today's Daily Shirt is a little different; instead of picking on someone who's been in the news for some inane reason or another, the Shirt is someone who ought to be in the news alot more lately, but suspiciously isn't.

(Warning: Another Shirty-political-jag coming up)

Well, with the recent U.S. mid-term elections, and reports of more voter chicanery this time out too, the man refered to as "Bush's Brain" (I'm still trying to figure out if that's supposed to be an insult) couldn't fraud out another election, even though, at last count (according to www.electiondefensealliance.org/) there's a discrepency of 3 million votes.

So dude, you get a Shirting for not arranging enough cheating. What a bizarre statement, eh? Not that it's probably going to make much of a difference, but it's nice to see that sometimes a person does get their come-upence.

Does this simple Shirtmaster know that you're behind this? Nope, no proof here. But 'Beltway insiders' do know that you're a major mover and shaker in the world of realpolitik, so it's certainly conceivable that your fingerprints are somewhere to be found.

Enjoy your shirting; you've earned it.

Little angry yellow piece

2006-11-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

Today's Daily Shirt is a number of things.

But then again, we all are. We're all someone's child; probably a friend, an employee, a consumer, a fan, a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife...look, right there, there's a ton of examples. And that's not even getting into obvious ones like 'noun,' 'generous,' 'attractive' and myriad other potential adjectives.

But this post is a face on a shirt, has a moustache and thus originally was intended for last week's Theme Week; as well it's a toy and someone's creation.

I found this head where I get most of the others - from Google images - and apparently someone painted this special. So anyway, if you're the one who did it, or if you're with the Lego people (who are a fearsome bunch; you don't want to mess with Lego people. They'll take a little piece off themselves just to stick it up your nose or make you swallow, then you're in trouble) - please don't sue me.

Think of this as a revenue-neutral, cross-platform promotion; a sinergy of win-win...

Wouldn't it be ironic if they delivered the divorce papers?

2006-11-14T13:36:00.000-05:00

Big up’s to all the Shirt-peeps (or, Sheeps, to use the nickname-granting formula of the times) out there in Webland!

Today, we gots us a true hip-hop hero, baby-daddy, and soon to be ex-celebrity husband. Probably pretty easy to ‘shout out’ in your head as to who it is, without even scrolling down to see the pic first…which we all know is cheating. And on the street, cheaters end up with ‘caps’ in the bum. I don’t quite know what that means, but the implication is that these ‘caps’ somehow impede normal bodily functions, and that sounds like it could get rather uncomfortable – thus preventing successful ‘chilling.’

‘Back in tha day,’ there was a post on 'the celebrity sidekick,' and as it turns out, spouses of celebrities fall squarely into that category, as long as they fulfil a few key conditions.

1: They had little-to-no chance of attaining their celebrity without said holy covenant (and accompanying holy pre-nup).

2: They insist on forging their own identity in the entertainment world where:

a) they require the spouse for the leverage to do so in the first place
b) are even less talented then their negligibly talented spouse

3: Their relationships are stage-managed by a battalion of publicists, image consultants and various other enablers who inflate a ghastly disproportionate sense of worth of these folks upon consumers of celebrity culture.

So, without further ado, The Daily Shirt presents another in a long, sad, pointless line of soulless creatures for whom the attainment of celebrity and it’s transparently hollowness still retains a strong hold.

Must be the women. And money. And acceptance. As fleeting as that all is…

Ford Tough

2006-11-13T11:05:00.000-05:00

Today's Daily Shirt is an old guy.

A really old guy.

And somewhat remarkable in a few respects; not the least of which, being one of but a handful of Earth-dwellers to be Shirted. But that's another apology for another day.

Anywho, I was breakfasting with my local 24-hour news channel, when I see a birthday surprise paraded across my TV screen. He was looking fairly old and infirm, like M.A.S.H. after it turned into "The Alan Alda Personal Drama Extravaganza."

He's also the oldest surviving (former) President of the U.S.!

Or is he?

He was never actually elected, but came on the heels of the Agnew/Nixon resignations. So, he was a Prez, but a kind of a third-choice Prez who was appointed fair and square, with out the population of the 'world's greatest democracy' getting a chance to say what they thought about this, one way or another. Isn't freedom great?!

Nietzsche market

2006-11-12T18:49:00.000-05:00

Well doesn’t it just figure; last day of Theme Week on The Daily Shirt, and the Shirtmaster has calamitous problems with general internetulation. It was catastrophic; it was traumatic…and it was rather frightening to realise just how reliant we folks can become on stuff.

But luxury’s becoming banalities is a reoccurring theme throughout history. I mean, look how long people were perfectly happy with a flat Earth. A pancake planet served us just fine. It was a nice, simple shape; explained (the as yet to be figured out concept of) gravity easily enough; and gave various religious authorities a wonderful opportunity for ridicule and persecution…allowing them to perfect those arts which would come in handy in later years.

But no, we had to go and get a round globe.

And everyone was like, “oooh, the Earth is so round. Now we can try and find a ocean passage to China to preserve and even enhance the spice trade, as opposed to traditional overland routes that open us up to bandits.”

Or “oooh, so we can’t fall off the edge of the world if we sail too far out. And while we’re at it, oooh, this globe shape greatly expands the surface area of the earth, and requires that we invent things like latitude, longitude and the this gravity business”

But it could have been worse. Scholars of the period could have been bloggers.

2: Teh P0rtug3s3
From: C. C01umbuzz

Re. Teh w0r1d!

L1k3, OMG!11!1!!! Teh w0r1d iz l1k3 soooooooooo r0und. LOL!!!1!!1 ;)

An’…teh pron! OMG!

Maybe this was the abyss that today’s Daily Shirt was taking about…

Marxist Revolution

2006-11-08T10:15:00.000-05:00

Yup...time for another Famous Moustache on The Daily Shirt.

Today, we have a celebration of writers block; that wonderful condition that is a variant on trying to actively remember something specific (where you put your keys or children, for instance) or developing something to say specifically to break silences.

There is simply nothing quite like the exhilaration of sitting at a keyboard, ready for the fingers to furously fly, and then sit there like a head on a shirt. It's such a rush. And by 'rush,' I mean 'drag.'

So here you go, a lame post for what should be a special week of celebration and revelry; I mean golly-gee wilikers, it IS St. Demetrius' Day in Bosnia and Herzrgovina! And if that isn't enough, it's the 111th anniversary of Wilhelm Rontgen's discovery of X-rays! UN Security Council Resolution 1441 on Iraq was passed 4 years ago today! Look how well that worked out!

Nothing, eh? Well, we'll try again on Friday. Here's the shirt...

Quit yer' Stalin

2006-11-07T09:58:00.000-05:00

Today's Daily Shirt is an extra-special, super-duper, high-faluttin', dead supreme leader kinda post!

With a famous moustache to boot! In keeping with Theme Week, and all...

And, for added effect, a tie-in to the fact that, today our sly little friends south of the border are pretending that their silly two-party, "you have the freedom to choose, as long as it's one or the other" republic actually cares what the other 99% of income earners think about the job their 'elected' leaders are doing.

Now, the Shirtmaster knows that he's glossing over a lot of history with this post, and that those sensitive about protecting their insular view of history will no doubt take offense and demand that I site reputable references or revoke my keyboard.

But Shiry has a grand sense of irony. And by grand, I don't mean that it's got a thousand dollars worth of irony stached in, say, a trunk down by the ol' wharf. Why? Because that doesn't make a lick of sense.

What I mean is that today's Daily Shirt, all at once cut deals with some very bad people, double-dealed and was double-dealed, and ended up with a mixed-up reputation.

So, without taking days to write, let's just say that common elements like having a hand in defeating the Axis, a nationalist leader relying strongly on patriotism for control and a sizable military presense outside it's established borders make for some interesting parallels.

I trust you can see the irony, comrade...

Impossible to hide that 'stash

2006-11-06T09:28:00.000-05:00

Welcome one and some others, to the first post of the first ever theme week on The Daily Shirt. If you missed the special announcement last week, then you most likely didn't get the key code, and thus this next part won't make any sense: selkjnsoivnrn, sldnfwof'lsdnvouw, odnfnwodkwef!

As well, you probably don't know that the theme for this week is The Daily Shirt's Famous Moustaches!

So, today's Daily Shirt has pulled one of those professional transformations that are amusing to watch: He's gone from talk show hack to 'respectable' journalist! Isn't that amazing? If only it were true though. For you see, whilst 'journalist' is a fairly objective term in itself, 'respectable' is less of a widely agreeable conclusion. Is he? Isn't he?

I can't crawl into the man's head with my dynamite and pickaxe, and poke through his grey matter to figure out his deally, but a man who's built his career and persona on sensationalist stories and then moves on over to Fox News to pander to that crowd probably isn't.

But he's got a famous moustache and that fits the criteria, so you'll take a shirting and like it, G!

Special Announcement

2006-11-02T09:55:00.000-05:00

Hey there, Shirtaholics!

If you're planning on taking a week off from The Daily Shirt, don't do it next week!

Why? Because next week is the first ever Theme Week on The Daily Shirt!

So keep the kids home from school, bring grandma back from the home and dig up that favourite uncle from 20 years ago, because you (and they) won't want to miss... The Daily Shirt's Famous Moustaches! All next week (except for Thursday)!

Fair and balanced...as long as it's a 'guilty' verdict

2006-11-02T09:21:00.000-05:00

There must be something in the water over here in Shirtopolus, for this is the second day in a row that Shirty's chosen to become a crazy blonde lady. But this one is crazy for a whole other set of reasons that our previous Shirty head.

Today's Daily Shirt is a former prosecutor and currently has her own guilty-till-proven-innocent talkshow on that bastion of the 'liberal media,' CNN.

And just a quick scanning of her program leaves little wonder why she isn't still in the courtroom, nostrels flaring, as she wildly proclaims that she and she alone is in possession of the truth, though time and time again is proven wrong (witness, see the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping, as well as that dude who was grabbed for the Ramsey murder from a decade ago).

But, as Nazi propagandist Goebbels proclaimed (and I'm paraphrasing here), one must not be right, one must only be louder than the others. You don't need to know, you simply need to make loud, authoratative proclaimations and people will believe. The bigger the lie, the louder it's shouted, the more often it's repeated, the better the chance that it's believed.

And hence her talkshow. A vehicle to influence public opinion, used irresponsibly as a cynical tool to manipulate a generally frightened and confused public that doesn't understand why bad things still happen in enlightened and free America.

The Vickie Lynn Hogan Show

2006-11-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

I try not too be too alarmist in my non-Shirtmaster life, so it's only natural that I try and take that with me into this here blogoglobal world.

That said, there is something seriously wrong with today's Daily Shirt.

I'm at the grocery store; I see the covers and headlines of the magazines. I catch the soundbyte-type headlines on my local 24-hour news channel and seriously, she's a mess.

So, I'm hoping that a good, solid shirting will help her out of the confused mental state that she seems to be stuck in. Though in fairness, from all my past recollections of her, she seems to have something of a histroy when it comes to wonky, head-shaking decisions, outrageous attention-seeking displays and all around dumb celebritisms so perhaps this is par for the course.

Happy Reformation Day!

2006-10-31T10:14:00.000-05:00

Today, we have a special holiday edition of the Daily Shirt.

I know what you're thinking. The Shirtmaster must be utterly hardcore, to be making a post on this particular holiday...the brisk mid-autumn celebration when all the children dress up as spooky monsters to celebrate Martin Luther's nailing of his '95 Theses' to the church doors at Wittenberg, Germany in 1517. Wow...that takes me back... I remember that my favourite Reformation Day costume was that of an indulgent sinner. The crazy wig; the insane, over-sized shoes; the nipple clamps... Those were the days...

Now a days, it's all blood and gore for this 'Halloween' business - as the liberal, mainstream media insists on calling it (do those liberals ever stop spinning important religious events into secular heresy??) So fine. We'll play their game...right up until the rapture steals us away to spend the rest of eternity with our heavenly father, Santa Claus.

Today's Daily Shirt is tribute to blood, vomit and possession. It's a salute to saying swears and diabolical contortions.

I don't think this is what Martin Luther had in mind...

Not a product of Florida

2006-10-30T08:31:00.000-05:00

Well what do we have here? Looks like another week of Daily Shirt madness... Or a pair of scissors. Nope, pretty sure it's the first one...

Today's Daily Shirt is yet another regular on the grocery store tabloid scene. Not for his marriage or the ending of such (well, actually, that's not totally accurate...), nor is he such a high-profile performer that folks are simply glued to their star-following magazines and TV shows to follow his petulent star-tacular behaviour.

Here we have yet another recognisable mug riding the tide of glories 30-plus years past, and an infamous incident from just over 10 years ago. Now, I wasn't there to help murder his wife, so I'm not going to posit a guilty or innocent judgement; but many feel that a botched police and prosecution job resulted in today's Daily Shirt enjoying a life of freedom and shirtiness...as opposed to, umm, unfreedom and disshirtyness. Yup. Those are the ones.

Between then he was an actor, spokesperson and television sports commentator.

But now, he just shows up on covers of gossip rags. That, and today's Daily Shirt.

Could a stretch of highway be next?

2006-10-27T10:17:00.000-04:00

Dadgum this Blogulator!

While the Shirtmaster managed to get the Song Title Of The Day updated eh-oh-kay on the yesterday, there wasn't a blasted thing that I could do get the new pic of the Shirted One up for internetular consumption. Sorry folks. Just wasn't happening.

But today is a whole new day, with fresh, unexpected horrors awaiting us all! Isn't it exciting? It's like an Xmas of Misfortune; all the children gathered around a tree decorated with woe and sorrow, unwrapping gifts of future disease and loss, rage and sadness...

But if you're that one special, one-in-a-billion-odd-beating child that just went home with today's Daily Shirt, than amid the ample gifts of personal tragedy and heartache, there might be a Playstation 3 to off-set the inevitable misery. May seem like a small consolation, but when you're a kid, a PS3 is a reasonable counterweight.

So, here's to you, today's Daily Shirt, for your controversial gesture!

Did one of these fix Blogger?

2006-10-25T14:03:00.000-04:00

Well thanks, Blogger.

When I come in in the morning, all I want to do is check out MTTS, Cynaide & Happiness and the others, and bang out a Daily Shirt post before getting down to work. I'm a busy guy with busy guy stuff to do.

So when I could barely log in, and then NOT navigate around and update this and the Song Title... blog, well, let's just say that I thought alot of unhappy thoughts that would have made Baby Jesus cry...if he was here...and wasn't a fictional character...and had tear-ducts.

Anyway, it seems that Blogger works again, since I'm type, type, typing away and just about to post a pic of today's Daily Shirt...

Wait for it...

Now!

The Shatner of a new generation

2006-10-24T10:19:00.000-04:00

That's what today's Daily Shirt reminds me of; and it honestly makes the show he's in unwatchable to this Shirtmaster.

Much the same way Shatner wrecked his (already screwey) show.

So, this is one of those deflating Daily Shirt's. Kinda meant to take the wind out of some kind of implied self-importance. And I'm sure to someone he's important; maybe a parent, a spouse or pet, or even a few million television watchers who like to identify with fictional characters, get lost over-blown plotlines that dramatise boring (or at least unsexy) jobs like lab workers and forensic pathology type people.

Yes, I know; life is what you make of it. But I'm pretty sure that the world's labs aren't staffed exclusively by beautiful people, and have electronic music pumped in - that oddly enough, tends to match the activities ongoing. Take note that confused and concentrating lab personnel means slower, darker pieces while 'steps away from a breakthrough that will tidly wind up an hour-long episode' brings with it, energetic, up-tempo music.

I wish my office was like that. Then I'd always know just how hard to work...

Calling element 50

2006-10-23T09:47:00.000-04:00

SCREAM! ...
as Today's Daily Shirt can be melted to iron, if he isn't careful!

AMAZE! ...
as he can become a superconductor at just under 4 degrees (Kelvin)!

YAWN WITH BOREDOM! ...
to learn that he'd turn white if warmed above 13.2 degrees Celsius!

CONSIDER SURFING TO ANOTHER PAGE! ...
at the knowledge that he is the most tonally resonant of all metals!

WISH THAT I WOULD JUST SHUT UP AND POST THE STUPID PICTURE! ...
when you find out that there's speculation that his name was borrowed from pre-Indo-European language!

What a hassel

2006-10-20T10:58:00.000-04:00

Funny thing about celebrity; much like lego, one can never have quite enough. Unlike lego, though, celebrity doesn't fit up your nose. But like lego, celebrity is an artifical construct; a scaled representation of reality consisting of pieces that fit perfectly and effortlessly together. But, unlike lego, celebrity doesn't have those weird crescent-moon shaped hands.

But anyhoo... Another funny thing about 'celebrity' the concept, is it's druglike quality. For many folks of dubious talent, once they get that hit of fame - getting recognised in the street, strangers wanting them to sign something, people giving them free stuff - it's a constant pursuit. It's keeping it going. It's maintaining that status to jump queues at clubs, being the famous schmoe that is a featured attraction at supermarket grand openings and generally getting unwarranted attention just because you've got a mug that people you don't know happen to recognise.

And today's Daily Shirt is just such a pursuer. There was a hit (but stupid show) in the 80's, there was a MASSIVE hit (thanks to girls in bathing suits) in the 90's, and there's an incipid singing career. By rights, this buddy should have enjoyed his moment in the gaudy 80's sun and been politely but firmly ushered into a comfortable oblivon of 'hey weren't you on that one show way back when...?' But no, he just finished up another immensely popular television program ("America's Got Too Much Time On It's Hands To Be Watching Garbage Like This" was the name, I believe) and most likely isn't done yet.

Much like the Chuck Norris phenomenon, Shirty's head is a combination of past reputation meeting a whole new generation looking for kitsch in a new medium.

And what the mob wants, the mob gets; and apparently it's not about to 'hassle the hoff' at this juncture.

Nothing to see here, friends; just keep fiddling...

No monster left behind

2006-10-19T09:52:00.000-04:00

It was a strange feeling to realise that yesterday's Daily Shirt and today's Daily Shirt are related.

Not by blood or marriage - or even by species, for that matter, but related by vehicle.

I don't know how it happened. One moment, Shirty and I are browsing google images to see who it wants to be, and the next thing we all know, Shirty is sporting an utter monstrosity (no, it's not the No Child Left Behind Act for a face...though that would be positively surreal).

So...yeah. Maybe this is a good metaphor for west-coast liberalism that's fraying the social fabric of America which Arnie is fighting as governer? Well, regardless of the lamewad sound-byte attached-as-metaphor we affix to this, it remains that today's head will at the very least wreck your future, if not kill and eat you...just like the No Child Left Behind Act!

Guns and buttah!

2006-10-18T09:48:00.000-04:00

Time for another episode of nobody's favourite blog! Is nobody ready? Than let's not go!

Today's Daily Shirt is quite the character. He was a body-building freak turned action-movie star turned...ummm...Republican governor of California.

(As a side note, of all the crazy things I've ever written, thought or said, that last sentence is probably up there in the top 2% of Most Insane Nuttery. My fingers are still in shock.)

Well, I know what you're thinking, and no, there probably isn't a planet out there in space that's made entirely of butterscotch pudding. But I also know about the other thing you're thinking, and I have to say that you're lucky that there aren't any thought police - yet. But further down the ladder of things you're thinking, I know about how you're thinking that I've probably spoiled the fun associated with reading this mania but not usually giving away too obviously who the head on Shirty is. You're thinking that I've totally ruined today's Daily Shirt, and that I should just shut up and get on with it.

And you'd be right.

Hey, hey, hey is for horses, colts and bucks

2006-10-17T10:11:00.000-04:00

Today's Daily Shirt is another childhood relic - being a fixture at the Shirtmaster household on Saturday mornings for years!

Unfortunately, I don't really remember much about this show, it's characters, storylines or any of that business. I just remember watching it. That's it.

I suppose you're a little disappointed now; probably expecting some kind of...something. A rant, or some bit of non-sequiter, ADD-type mania-in-a-post that'll make it worth your time reading this before you continue on with your day. Sorry. I got nuthin today.

Could be the weather - which is rainy and dreary and so wonderfully dank so as to crush without mercy any hope of a bright, cheery, shirtified day.

Ugh. Reduced to commenting on the weather. This party is definately over...

All work and no play, you know...

2006-10-16T09:29:00.000-04:00

Hello from the internet!

The Shirtmaster has been on a serous jag of...ummm...seriousness lately, so today we're going lighten things up a bit - that means no talk of injustice, prejudice, mistreatment or cruelty; not a word about genocide, hatred or the immolation of the human spirit through revenge. There will be no irony-laden commentary about Machiavellian cynicism, behavioural inconsistancies or the up-is-down-left-is-right spin that allows people to do bad things while telling themselves they are good things.

So, now that you're all ready for some fun, I have some bad news. All fun for today has been cancelled. Repeat: There will be no fun. Some kind of national security issue, I think.

Just kidding. The Shirt likes to fun around like that from time to time, too. It's just one of the things it does. You see, it has had the same head on for a little while now, and it tends to get bored. So bored that it starts to get a little flaky; making bandana-cream pies, painting racing stripes on it's lawnmower, stuff like that.

I know, I know. Sounds a little wacky. Maybe more than even wacky - daffy, perhaps!

The flipside of the hand (AKA: On the other coin...)

2006-10-12T11:55:00.000-04:00

Heya Shirtfans,

Today we bring you another self-professed speaker for the people! I know how much that excites the lot of you, so I'll wait patiently here while you go change your pants.

"Row, row, row your boat/Gently down the stream..."

Okay, so this time, we have what is known as a 'lefty;' they also are known (depending on your circle) as 'liberals' or 'pinko commies.'

Now, this particular 'lefty' has built something of a reputation of being the loudmouth of his side of the political/ideological fence. His documentaries and writings are as full of rhetoric, spun facts and idea as any of his counterparts on the right. The main difference is that instead of attacking what he has to say, the main counter (by many, not all of course; there is intelligent commentary on the right) is that he is a 'fat idiot.'

Good comeback, guys. Do you want to try and take his lunch-money now?

Regardless of your political stripes, all should enjoy today's Shirting...

Yet another rant

2006-10-11T09:40:00.000-04:00

History is weird.

There's seems to be this tendancy in people to always try and remember the best about a deceased person, regardless of other (possibly huge) indiscretions.

And today's Daily Shirt is an example. Typically regarded as a statesmen of statesmen, this guy actually had some pretty huge gaffs to his credit. So, in the interest of balance:

Let's see...first recorded authorisation of the use of poison gas on civilians (a note; logistically, it's highly unlikely that this use actually happened, but the authorisation of it's use speaks volumes) against - surprise, surprise - occupied Iraq in 1920.

Overseeing Britain's return to the gold standard in 1924, this return brought with it deflation and unemployment throughout the country, and led ultimately to the infamous general strike of 1926.

He was an early (mid-20's) supporter of Mussolini's facism, seeing it as a bulwark against the dreaded communist revolution (lesser of two evils, you say? Didn't quite work out like that...)

Was he a monumental speaker and rallier of the people? Definately. Did he not get the British through one of the darkest periods of modern British history? Without a doubt.

But the point of today's Daily Shirt is that niceties and revisionist history do us all a disservice. Correcting the mistakes of the past in history books (or omitting them all together) only leads to confusion about how we got to where we are, and what methods might work to get us out of the current mess.

So, here's to you, today's Daily Shirt - for better AND worse...

It does not matter which way you vote. Either way your planet is doomed

2006-10-10T10:14:00.000-04:00

Well now, it appears we here at The Daily Shirt jumped the gun by about six weeks, when we featured Dear Leader on Shirty. We always suspected that the Shirt might have some sort of future-predicting powers and this goes none of the way to confirming that.

"The World Just Got A Little Scarier," declares one local paper's front page. "World Decries Bomb Test," says another's headline.

Let's see. You're in a wonky part of town, and up shambles some person who looks to be a few percent sort of weapons-grade uranium. They tell you they have a gun. Being that you've already got an off-putting feeling about this person, do you really need to see it to believe the threat? This, friends is where we're at. No further. The world knew back in 2002 that North Korea was nuclear capable. The only thing that happened this weekend is that we saw the gun that we already suspected to be there.

Now that the Shirtmaster has gotten that off of his chest, let me tell you about the awesome omelette that I made this weekend. It was truly a work of art...if you're Picasso. And the colours and shapes weren't too far off either...

Anyway, here's today's Daily Shirt - seemingly coming from a place with far more sense then ours. Perhaps we can learn from their cynical, drooling, tentacled ways...

The titleless title

2006-10-06T09:52:00.000-04:00

Not a word of a lie, I got more negative feedback about today's Daily Shirt than any other we've helped with Shirty so far.

Now, I'll grant that this famous face is haunting. It represents a time and place that, honestly, aren't generally associted with happy thoughts (unless you consider the American proxy war again the Soviet Union in the 80's, the war that was the final nail in the coffin of bankrupcy for the USSR and communism in that country as 'happy').

I understand that folks typically don't like the no-eyes thing. And coupled with an already eerie head...

Though the usual crew liked it, most everyone else who walked by, visibly made the attempt to not have to look at Shirty at all.

With such a distinct reaction, how on earth are we gonna top this one?

Comedic clergy

2006-10-05T09:47:00.000-04:00

Today's Daily Shirt was a English comedic actor... and no, it's not Tony Blair; he's already been on the shirt, anyway...

Shirty's head goes way back (and I mean 'way' as in far, not 'whey' as in watery part of milk that seperates from curds in cheesemaking - but you might have alread deciphered that from the spelling...though one can never be too sure on the netweb... ); how far back, you might (or might not) ask? Pretty darn far. That's how far. Matter of fact, Shirty's head has been dead going on nigh 29 years. That's longer than the internet's been alive...so long as you don't count that pre-internet that those NASA folks were using.

Anyway, here are a few clues: He's known for his distinctive moustache (no, it's not that Magnum PI guy), his funny hat (nope, not the pope) and his 'vagrant' character (no, not that uncle who refuses to put down that Xbox controller and get a job).

Eat your veggies!

2006-10-04T09:22:00.000-04:00

Not much to say about today's Daily Shirt - just that he might just be the strongest cartoon character ever. I said cartoon character, not superhero. Get it straight, bucko...

And, in a way, he's a hilarious metaphor for drug use. No, I'll grant that his particular type of 'personality enhancement' wasn't quite the same, but if his instant flip-out at the moment of ingestion isn't some kind of 1930's inside joke, than I'll have to find some other explaination for this and why the walls are bleeding.

But anyway...what was I saying?

A whole in Juan

2006-10-03T09:36:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes, I know...the Daily Shirt wasn't updated yesterday. What are you gonna do? Stop coming? We both know that's not an option. You're hooked like a heroin addict who gets hooked on methadone to get off the junk, and then takes up smoking to get off the meth... It's a vicious cycle; I post, you read and then the more you read, the more I need to post, and it becomes a classic co-dependent relationship...

Aren't addictions fun? For someone who needs some stablilty in their lives, an addition might just be what they're looking for. It helps create a routine - something they can count on in this hurly-burly, topsy-turvey, upside-down flint-rubble bubble cake world of ours.

But be warned, too much of anything, while possibly a lot of fun and generally quite enjoyable - is not good for you! It's not. Really. No matter how good you might feel afterward. No matter how many great associations you might make with the experience. It's just not worth the eternal hellfire and off-key lounge singing...

(Disclaimer: This post does not advocate the development of addictions - coming from an ex-smoker, they can really be a giant pain. But some of them, like golf, might be tons of fun. Who knows?)

Tribulum ad hilarity - Part II

2006-09-28T09:13:00.000-04:00

As you might be able to tell by now, I spend possibly more time than the average person at grocery stores.

I can't help it. Not only are grocery stores facinating places, but you can actually get food there! It's quite the novel idea, actually. I can go and trade my government-issued paper (and minted!) currency for food stuffs and other items - and don't forget, Shirty was born at a grocery store. They are magical places, indeed...

But I digest...

When one is done wondering around, taking in all of the ingenious/deceptive/eye-catching/head-shaking marketing, one must proceed to the check-out counter. You might perceive that as an ending to the adventure, but you'd be wrong. And naive. And probably too short.

For, it is an ending of a beginning, but also a beginning of an ending, and so is just as confusing as it sounds. But, there are magazines to look at while there. And said magazines can impart some pretty interesting information.

Like the existence of today's Daily Shirt! I can still remember being a little tiny Shirtmaster, and seeing this character grace the cover of the revered Weekly World News. And oh what a character...uhhh...'it' is. Lately, 'it' is supposedly off in the Middle East, fighting evildoers, as a matter of (Weekly World News) fact. He ought to be careful though...the CIA can be pretty dastardly...

What would you rather?

2006-09-27T09:37:00.001-04:00

Today's Daily Shirt is proving to be another tough writing assignment.

It must be eloquent but informative, honest but compassionate, and, most importantly, neither too tall nor too short. This is critical.

Today, we have a man, who after many, many years of failthfully feeding at the corporate news trough and dutifully regurgitating as the anchor for a nightly news program, has had his career essentially ended for him through what looks like chicanery. Tough to say. But really, who among us hasn't been screwed out of a news anchor job???

Reminds me of my days back at CNBSCABFNNOX (Cable News, something, something, something, in case you were wondering...) I had the 3:00-3:10 AM talking head spot when, unceremoniously, I had the carpet - stained with the blood of all who came before - yanked right out from under me, just over a little slip up about the impending nuclear armageddon that sorta didn't happen. Though in retroperspective, the bloodied carpet should have been a giveaway that things weren't going to go well, regardless...

The U.S.' subsequent peak fashion specimen

2006-09-26T09:54:00.000-04:00

Last season - whenever that was...at least a few months ago, it seems - a couple of the ladies of Shirtville (namely Lil' E and Red) used to love gossiping about the show featuring today's Daily Shirt.

Having never seen the program myself, I was generally left to my own devices, as it pertains to assessing their descriptions of what one human being did or said to another human being for the entertainment of a whole assortment of other human beings on the other side of the cable outlet.

And a couple of things occured to me; not actually seeing a group of beautiful women being not-so-beautiful people, that much of what I heard talked about sounded little different from the politics of real life relationships. Granted, the context is completely different, but these are essentially ego-dramas (that few of us would tolerate, in real life) branded as entertainment. As well, while most people are on generally good behaviour if they think someone is watching them, there is something about a TV camera that takes this equation and turns it on it's head.

Perhaps it's that the people watching aren't 'there' to see this behaviour as it occurs, or that others will only see this long after it's actually happened and thus time somehow makes it all better?

I personally think it has something to do with Pluto's deplanetisation. I hope those scientographists know the damage they've caused.

There's always room for...

2006-09-25T09:15:00.000-04:00

Jay-Hyphen-Elle-No Elle-Oh!

You're right, it's dumb, but it popped into my head as I was thinking up a title for... the first post of a new week of Daily Shirt!

I guess it's pretty obvious who today's Daily Shirt is. Or not. I'm not you. I can't make these associations for another person.

But, I will say that today's Shirty-head is/was another darling of the tabloid media; dipping her hands in many different pies to stay as front-and-centre as possible: movies, CD's, romances/marriages, high-profile archeological digs...she's done it all. Except for the archeological digs... I made that one up. I meant anthropology.

She's kinda disappeared lately though, and being that I don't much care, I can't be bothered to find out what she's up to. I'll just wait till she starts popping up in the supermarket rags again. Which should be anytime...now! Hmmm... okay... ... ... now! No? ...

UN-cool

2006-09-22T09:24:00.000-04:00

The United Nations...an great idea in theory, but is it just a great theory in ineffective practice?

We'll take a look at just that question, in a special Daily Shirt Investigative Report: The UN - Body For World Order or Pulling The Shirt Over Your Eyes?

The UN is always in the news. Why? It's an organisation that proports to represent the governments - and by extension, the citizens - of the world. They are supposedly the keepers of the keys to order, justice and warfare. While we can all agree that these aspects of societal living are of paramount importance, why is it such a maligned organisation?

Well, there are couple of problems. 1) When you staff an organisation with bureaucrats with their own agendas, the natural result is gridlock. Everything becomes a tradeoff and no one gets what they want - or need - for their countries or people.

2) This business of 'the veto' ensures that those bureaucrats who come from countries special enough to wave their economic or war-making wand and say that one discussion or another is off the table guarantees that the strong dominate every conversation and ideas of order and justice are advanced only as far those who dictate the terms of conversation will allow them to go. That's the short version. Don't like a topic? Wave that wand, say that it's a non-issue and that you don't recongise it, and away it goes. If only life for the rest of us was that easy.

3) That, in the eyes of a certain section of a certain religious denomination, the UN represents the anti-Christ embodied and that it's existence is evidence of the end of the world. Well, how can one argue with such a well-defined, logically argued position? Especially in light of the picture that the Shirtmaster dug up of the current Secretary-General. This is a zoom-in on the right eye...

Obviously, the double white-spot is proof positive of this assertion of evil. No doubt about it. I can feel the evil just leaping off the screen and trying to suck my soul into an abyss of malignancy from which light and hope are doomed to writhe in tormented despondency.

So, there we have it...bureaucratic gridlock, organisational undermining from positions of power, and the influence of Hell. From this, it's clear that the structure is rotten at the foundations and needs to be torn down and rebuilt in our, enlighted Western image.

That, or realise that power must not be allowed to corrupt, lest we find ourselves in a perilous struggle for equality...kinda like the one we're currently in.

Oh, and here's Shirty...

More than pizza pie

2006-09-21T09:10:00.000-04:00

There's so much going on in Shirtland right now, I'm going to need some sort of digital abacus to keep it all straight. A palm-sized one would be ideal, and giving it an LSD display would be all the better. Maybe, if I can find a way to move the beads fast enough, I can get it to play music, or even download porn from some other digital abacus halfway across the world! I hope someone invents something like this soon...

So, what you ask, is going on to make Shirtland such a bustling metropolis of stuff n' things? Well, aside from stuff n' things, we're stickin' heads on shirts and somehow trying to get some work done while we're at it. It really is a juggling act. Now, I just gotta get some flaming midget chainsaws and the metaphor is complete!

Anyway, today's Daily Shirt is yet another relic of TV dumbdom, going back to those innocent days of western complicity in the Iran/Iraq bloodbath, the birth of those coming-of-age movies like Breakfast Club or Wall Street and totally over the top kids cartoons...that weren't really for kids even though they were marketed that way (are you listening, people who put words like 'Princess' or 'Juicy' on the butts of pants marketed to children?!? I'm calling shenanigans on your shenanigans!)

So, now the object of today's Daily Shirt is being turned into a movie. Goodie. Proof once more that the 'creatve' people in Hollyland aren't so creative, as they 'reinvigorate' an idea from two decades ago. And proof as well that cashing in on childhood relics from the last generation - who now has their own money to blow on junk - is just too easy to pass up for these geniuses. And proof further, that 'voting with the dollar' enables people to continue to produce junk, because apparently garbage is an easy sell.

Bear arms!

2006-09-20T09:38:00.000-04:00

It's said that guns don't kill people, people (or bullets) kill people. True enough. But without guns, bullets definately couldn't kill people, and people would be deprived of their simplest method of killing others.

This is a great example of a logical fallacy. Guns themselves don't do the killing, but they are the enabler. From this, we can deduce that guns could be considered an 'accessory' to killing. And to take this a step further, that could make weapons manufacturers accessories to the act of killing. A criminal offense in most cases, I believe...

But all this doesn't matter. People in the US will still continue to take this "constitutional right" out of context. And the people who shamelessly continue to enable murder will still make gigantic profits from their trade. And I'm still gonna stick heads on this dumb shirt.

So, here's to you, today's Daily Shirt - one's of the goodest, oldest boys going.

What's YOUR price?

2006-09-19T09:46:00.000-04:00

Today's Daily Shirt is another hero of daytime television, though I remember being a little kid and this cat was actually on somewhere around prime time.

I was just thinking that game shows on prime time is such a relic of the past - and then I realised that the biggest television hits of the last decade or so have been 'reality' shows. Two points about this. One, that these shows have little-to-no basis in reality, hence the label of 'reality' is exposed as the shameless marketing that it is.

And two, reality shows are prime-time game shows. Just replace 'Plinko' with eating worms while throwing water balloons at the letters which spell your name while hanging upside down from the skids of a helicopter! That's all. As you can see, there really is little difference.

Here, you have nobody people showing up on TV trying to win stuff. Sounds like a game show to me. Just rebranded, and with more bikini-clad women. Ahhh, evolution...

And I guess that in the end, that's the appeal. Ordinary people + winning stuff = hope for the chance for good things in ones own life. That, and women in bikini's...

The Divorcening

2006-09-18T09:43:00.000-04:00

I realised recently that there's a certain irony in my tirades against celebrity-mongering and the very same celebrity-mongering that Shirty engages in. I choose the term 'irony' over 'hypocrisy' because, for one, this is mine - and Shirty's - blog, and I can be as blind as I want here. Secondly, well... Shut up!

Anyway, today's Shirtological Cranial Recalibration Eliciting Wonderous Yawns (S.C.R.E.W.Y., for short) is a woman who's gettin' herself a dee-vorce. You'd have to be living under a rock that's in a box that's in the trunk of someone's car that parked in a corner of their backyard and is overgrown by weeds and hasn't been touched in ages to not at least heard tell of their marital troubles, via the supermarket check-out line, of course.

Whether it's drug and alcohol abuse or physical abuse, this is one couple who understand that love hurts. And by that logic, they must really love each other. Alot.

Quitters never win - but they don't lose, either

2006-09-15T09:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Tony,

We were all really sad to hear about you deciding not to continue in your current occuption of leading your country of origin. But, really, we totally understand that you've been in an increasingly untenable situation - like the equivalent of keeping the Spice Girls together, were it that Posh et all were world leaders as well as pop divas; destroying lives with bombs, but saving souls with song.

Really now, the good folks at home who initially put you into power just won't stand for anymore blood on their hands; as it is, the English are right up there with the French and Spanish (with the US hot on everyone's heels) as colonial powers who've been at the root of unquantifiable destruction and misery. Of course, no one expects the madness to end with your leaving (though it's hard to believe that there are tools that think everything will be fine once GWB is out of office), but that's not really the point, is it?

Look, we all know that we're pretty well at the mercy of the US, and you personally can't be faulted for tagging along like an obnoxious little brother. So maybe it's best that it ends like this.

Respectfully,
The rest of the world, C/O Shirty

Ice cream as evolutionary tool

2006-09-14T09:22:00.000-04:00

Fighting is barbaric.

It just is. Whether it's with weapons or not, this Shirtmaster can't think of an activity that ignores - and in fact, retrogrades - the human spirit of progress more than the destruction of life; and, to a lesser extent, things.

People often complain that other 'people are animals.' Barbaric and brutish, life is a struggle for survival that is ultimately fatal anyway. But there's no need to hasten the inevitable demise along.

This obviously raises an obvious contridiction; what about a survival struggle or some sort of resistance movement that exists to counter a certain colonial power? Both examples employ 'the fight' in a venue that speaks to both this human spirit of progress AND the destruction of persons (though a good counter is that to force a party into a fight is as barbarous as the fight itself, thus generally absolving one who is forced to fight as a means of survival and placing all blame on the aggressor - though not all will buy this argument). Either way, how do we reconcile this? I say ice cream. But that's just me.

So, I guess what I mean is that, specifically, fighting as entertainment is barbaric retrogression. This means you, Ultimate Fighting Championship...and you too, today's Daily Shirt

(though, to be fair, he's not a fighter anymore - now he's busy shilling; obviously a much more noble endeavour...)

Critical condition...

2006-09-13T09:37:00.000-04:00

Today's Daily Shirt is a sort of nod in the general direction of a yearly event that brings much attention - and, YAY! Celebrities - to the Shirtmaster's hometown of Toronto, Canada: The Toronto International Film Festival.

What was once just another small-time film fest from a city with a permanant inferiority complex, has, in truth, grown into a seriously big-time event that draws film folk from all over the gosh-darn place to this city for 10 days or so to clog up our streets, extend the length of our line-ups and all sorts of delightful other side effects that naturally come with an infusion of carbon-based bipeds. Sure it brings in money, but real economists understand that money is a means, not an end itself.

And while today's Shirtological transformation doesn't perhaps know much about economics, he is someone who knows alot about film. Alot. And not just the ones you go home with in a brown paper bag. Though maybe those ones too; I dunno. But, what I do know (and by 'know,' I mean 'made up just now'), is that today's Daily Shirt has seen 3,639,184 movies in his lifetime.

For those of you who are new to our alphanumeric system, that's a bunch of movies. Assuming an avarage length of 90 minutes per movie, (and remembering that there are 525,600 minutes in a year) that means he's at least 623 years old right now. And that's not even counting bathroom breaks.

Now that's dedication.

A side-kick is still a star, just with a smaller entourage/drug problem/fan base

2006-09-12T09:10:00.000-04:00

Today's Daily Shirt is the result of me standing in the check-out line at the grocery store, glazing over while staring at all of the various magazine covers: People, and their celebrity-mongering; Teen People, and their umm...teen celebrity-mongering; The National Enquirer, and their reports of aliens and/or Satan and/or Nostradamus impregnating and/or probing and/or abducting batboy and/or Anna Nicole Smith and/or crop circles; and of course, Guns, Bikini Models And Micro-Biology...you know, the usual supermarket-aisle-suspects...

All I wanted to do was pay for my bananas and pizza buns and go back to the office to have lunch, and who comes swimming into view? She's a full-fledged side-kick (to an earlier Daily Shirt even! What are the odds?), and apparently has an eating disorder (according to Celebrities Who Would Puke On You As Soon As They Would Run You Over In A DWI Incident - Magazine). Can you guess who it is? Here's another clue: If she wasn't on the cover of a magazine, it's quite likely that she could just as easily be the girl asking me for the $1.36 that those bananas cost me. Such is the breadth and depth of her impact...

The great croc pit in the sky

2006-09-11T09:41:00.000-04:00

Today is a very, very sad Daily Shirt. Not sad as in 'pathetic,' but more of the remorseful type of sad characterised in movies like "Airplane" or "Spaceballs;" films that really get you 'right there.' Right there, being where they get you. Just to clarify.

Yes, Shirty was awfully distraught to learn of the recent passing of this television legend.

He's a man of bravery, a man of courage, a man who - week after week over the course of years - caused me to yell things at my television like "don't do that!" "Dude, are you messed up? I can't begin to count the ways in which that's a bad idea!" And "you're a manic! Stop it!"

It was like being some kind of (absentee) surrogate parent to a rambunctious grown-up Austrailian...but now he's gone. If only I had yelled at the TV louder, maybe he'd still be around...

So, here's to you, Mr. Fast-Talking, Fearless Crazy Guy.

Stuff about things

2006-09-08T09:25:00.000-04:00

Wow...you Daily Shirt readers have no idea how tough today's post was.

The Shirtmaster must have false-started on this thing a dozen times, but the wordsmithing just wouldn't come out today.

First, it was going to be a tale about Frank's attic, and how today's Daily Shirt was a result of the adventuring inherent in cleaning out that space, and the treasures found therein. No dice.

Then, it turned into an idea about Shirty's references to the artworld; but honestly, I just don't know enough about art to BS my way through that. Not even the mighty (but often hilariously flawed) Wikipedia would have helped me through that - without a bunch of research to hide my ignorant buffoonery.

When that fell apart, I thought of doing a little ramble on the beauty of the non-sequiter and absurdism - as that's the premise that we work under, here (in more ways that one...). But, well, that would have taken too long; and such an amusing topic (with so much potential for idiocy) demands more planning than I have time for today.

So, here we are, a post about a bunch of non-posts. But hey this equals 'Post Count +1' and is an update with a new head on Thy Mighty Shirty, so, you're welcome.

What the Fred?!

2006-09-07T10:29:00.000-04:00

See? See?! Look what happens!

So, when Frank was off galavanting around the world in his hot-air balloon, you'll remember that Shirtmaster helped with a particular transformation - that of The Great Gazoo. That was a pretty good one; an incidental, supporting character that wouldn't necessarily be a 'first choice.' And isn't that what we all want in life? To not be the 'first choice'? To be an incidental character? A ghost of a memory of a half-remembered illusion that no one's sure ever happened in the first place?

Well, what happens? He - HE - doesn't even check the blog to see who's been shirted, and then he goes and picks a related head.

No, it's not Barney or Betty, Wilma, Bam-Bam or Pebbles, Mr. Slate, The Way-Outs, those Addam's Family...family, that lived next door for awhile. It's not Dino or Fred... Actually, it is Fred.

Spelling lessons

2006-09-06T10:08:00.000-04:00

Who was born "Victoria Davey;" is estranged from her mother, and has used her own 'celebreality' (who makes up these stupid terms???) show to publicly criticise said mom; is on her second marriage - this one to a man who was already married but who was 'stolen' away; has been described as a 'butterface' on amiannoying.com and has had alleged against her that the only reason she has a career is due to nepotism?

(thanks to wikipedia for all of this useless infomation - that I'm now going to have to unlearn. Thanks. A bunch.)

Monsterous implications

2006-09-05T09:39:00.000-04:00

Hey all, time to shirt you all up another Shirty...

Well, Frank is back from his 6 weeks off, during which time toured the mountains of Tibet by gazelle for a couple of weeks, than spent a couple of weeks discovering the Mayan culture (and by 'discovering,' we mean drawing pictures of what he -thinks- it's like), and finally, he learned Hindi, Spanish, American Sign Language, Polish, and, combining it with Engligh, called it "Spindilish-Hand Sign-Hand-Sign." It's a shame that he's the only one that understands it though. It sounds (and looks) fun!

What does this have to do with anything? Well, mainly it means that he's been reshirtifying the shirt, and this is the first of his transformative endeavours. It's also technically a repeat, being that it's a different monstrosity, but the same guy played this one too. So...ummm...roar...?

Stanley Applebaum

2006-08-31T11:19:00.000-04:00

Today's Daily Shirt is a bit of an inside joke that all stems from a conversation between Frank and Red. It went something like this:

Frank: You're a big jerkface.

Red: No, you're a big jerk-face.

Frank: No, you're a big jerk-face.

Red: No, you're a big jerk-face.

Frank: No, you're a big jerk-face.

Red: You should put Robert Goulet on Shirty. And you're a big jerk-face.

(Please Note: This conversation is not a direct quote. There was a lot more swearing...)

Speculation as truth: Lies in the service of efficency

2006-08-30T09:42:00.000-04:00

Well, today is another one of those days where, honestly, I don't know much of anything about Shirty's head.

Sorry, I'm just not a fan of daytime talk shows - aka celebrity-mongering - as you can probably tell by now. Unless, of course, this is your first visit to The Daily Shirt. In which case, of course you wouldn't know this. How can you know something that you don't know? A knowable unknown, as our friend Rummy (from yesterday) is wont to say...

So, in place of "verifiable facts" and "research," we're just gonna make some stuff up. I think that today's Daily Shirt shirt was born in a rickshaw in Paris, to a nuclear physicist/shadow-puppeteer mother and table-tennis champion father (who, by the way, couldn't pronounce vowels). Her childhood was punctuated social unrest; at 7 she formed a neighbourhood union for her peers, demanding better chore conditions, and she championed a 26% raise in allowances for the neighbourhood over a 5 year period. For her efforts to improve the lot of kids everywhere, she was honoured with a fast-track through the awkward teenage years, spending only 3 of a possible 7 teenage-years as an actual teenager. Known for always wearing an old television on her head in her youth, she was a natural to host her own exhibition of synchophantic behaviour, which is exactly what happened.

And that's the real story that People Magazine doesn't want you to know. Enjoy!

Rummy - Master Murderer, Immovable Idologue

2006-08-29T09:53:00.000-04:00

There's so much - oh so much - that one can say about today's Daily Shirt. Don't worry though, I won't type every possible thing there is to type about this person; that list would be far too long and infinately too sad for such a rambunctious space on the cyberweb.

And such a prolific killer deserves a better bio on a better site than the Shirtmaster General can provide anyway.

So, today, we're going to be positive, positive, positive!

Can't you just feel the positivity just oozing from your computer? Look! Right there; it's coming from your CDROM drive. Eew. Don't touch it; who knows if positivity is toxic. No one comes to this blog anyway - I don't need to be killing the few people that do stop by here. I guess that's not all that positive. Sorry.

Well, how about an amusing anecdote about a ship that sunk? No? That famine/war/plague? Not positive either, eh?

How about we all just agree that, from here on in, persons placed in positions of immense power must be intellects not ideologues; following the agenda of state and not private interests.

Ahhh... Much better.

The big 'O'

2006-08-28T09:14:00.000-04:00

Okay, you can exhale. This is indeed a new post on The Daily Shirt.

The concensus is that Shirty might be getting sick. Don't worry though. We've got the best medical care for a shirt that publicly-funded, socialised health-care can buy. Which is pretty good stuff. It takes a village to raise a shirt, you know?

So... we need to tell you something; are you sitting down? Well why not? Do you know how uncomfortable it can get just hovering over a computer monitor to read what's on screen? Are you new to the computrex environment? Anyway, now that I've been thoroughly distracted (and probably have left the stove on - thanks assorted non-sitters!), we have to tell you... We're not sure, but it might need a starchenectomy followed by intensive varnishcological treatment.

It actually sounds worse than it is. Ever had a splinter? Well, the level of discomfort is somewhere between that and watching this person's show - a mixture of self-help preachy-ness and nonsensical pop-culture aggrandisement for the Paris Hilton & Dr. Phil's lovechild crowd . Don't say we didn't warn you...or at least look at you funny...

They just eat it right up

2006-08-24T09:57:00.000-04:00

Well, it's Thursday time again. And what better way to celebrate the majesty of Thursday than with a brand new head on an...I guess it's a brand old shirt...? But even better than that, it's a new dimension of Shirty.

How's that?

Well, we've done real people, dead folk and fictional characters. We've had cartoons and sculptures and a comic book dude for a head.

But today, marks the landmark first time that a representitive from the video game delegation has taken the floor. And, I'm just realising that this head arrives just in time. With the guests we've had this week, and today's Daily Shirt, it all fits in with the upcoming NerdFest that hits Toronto in a short while. That's right; a comic book/sci-fi/anime gathering of fans of those genres (the biggest and most important one in the universe, with delegations from all the major star-systems, according to their literature).

Okay, so a video game isn't exactly like those things, but it's close enough - and I found a way to promote their thing on my thing. I guess the only thing left is to collect my payment - which I would not like in Superman memorabilia, thanks...

Rhymes with 'freight kazoo'

2006-08-23T09:47:00.000-04:00

Long a staple of my cartoon diet as a youngin', today's Daily Shirt was a supporting character on this program; a key ingredient to forming lasting, realistic impressions of life...ummm...in cartoon form.

So, if my life (or anyone else's, for that matter), were actually a cartoon, we'd be totally set!

It's amazing to think about all the cool things that would happen if that we're the case. For one, no one in cartoons gets bills. It's like everything's all taken care of for them. They just need to worry about having wacky adventures. No problem.

No one gets hurt in cartoons, either. Okay, if you count 'pride' or 'ego' damage, than sure, there is hurt. But everyone - everyone - who was part of the G.I. Joe legacy has simply the worst aim ever. Witness that airplanes are dropping bombs, those funny pink and blue laser bolts (?) are flying back and forth and...nothing. Everyone's still there in the end. No matter how much stuff blows up in the intrim.

You can have an anvil dropped on you (or fall off a cliff or get hit by a truck or...) and it's little more than an inconvienence. Next scene comes up, and at best an arm is in a sling or there's a bandaid on the forehead.

I wish I was a crudely drawn animation who is part of a negligible sub-plot...

That's just super...

2006-08-22T09:17:00.000-04:00

I'm not a fan myself, but the phenomenon of comic book-based superheroes and their appeal is an interesting sociological phenomenon. That, and the singing of 'Happy Birthday.' Except that superheroes aren't nearly as annoying as that ridiculous song, nor has the tune ever saved the world from a mad genious who's bent on destroying the world with a super-photon radiological disbursement...uhh...penguin. Who shoots lasers from his little penguin eyes...

It seems like superheroes are male (typically - no offense to the females out there who are into this stuff) escapism - complete with the action, adventure and (most importantly) large-breasted and generally impossibly-proportioned females either superheroing or being superheroed that real life is devoid of.

Unless you count the social revolutionaries, leaders of nation-states, religious figures, intellectual visionaries, larger-than-life celebrities in general and a few other catagories of humanity that I'm no doubtedly forgeting, as 'superheroes.' In which case, buy stock in textiles, as the demand for spandex and capes is going to explode...once we figure out a colour scheme for the likes of Vlad Putin, al-Sistani, Francis Fukuyama and Dame Edna...

Flipping off the television

2006-08-21T08:53:00.000-04:00

It's quite odd how television, which is responsible for forming so many of our ideas and impressions, has the gall to and is able to get away with presenting highly unrealistic situations as the norm.

Case in point is today's Daily Shirt.

I grew up literally 10 minutes from the elementary school that I attended in those formative years between 5 and 62. But I only went to that school up until the age of 13...long story about graduating from grade 8 that I won't bore you with. Anyway, the point is, I was lucky enough to be able to go home for lunch, and not have to worry about building schoolyard friendships that would last a lifetime. I had television.

And today's Daily Shirt was the father character on the show that I watched while having lunch, that portrayed 1950's midwest America and family life, that, not only had no basis in reality as it pertained to my life, but I also suspect that it had little basis in reality even when it was current programming. It was devastating to see that nothing bad happened anywhere. Was it me? Was my TV broken and only able to show the good, the happy, the idealised?

No, it's that TV, even in the 50's, was about selling illusions, skewing perspectives and generally misinforming people about the real and true deallio behind the visuals; whether it's a family situation, soap commercial or (and worst of all) current world event you were watching on the box.

So, screw you, blatantly idealised television situations. And screw you too, Ward!

Feeling blue

2006-08-18T09:47:00.000-04:00

Today on the Daily Shirt, our guests don't include:

A man who says that of all the things in life that he could be doing at any given moment, falling off of ladders is easily his favourite.

A woman who collects samples of irony.

The residents of a town who say that if they that no matter how hard they try, they just can't get a WalMart to move in and decimate the area's small business owner's livlihoods.

The one monkey, who among millions, has managed to write Shakespeare...and his typewriter!

The people who run that website/interesting attraction/cultural pheonomenon about that thing that everyone loves because of their schtick, which is a humerous but poignant statement about things and stuff.

No, today we just have this bit of oddness...

Listing back and forth

2006-08-17T09:05:00.000-04:00

Little known fact: Shirty is a audiophile. It's true - whether it's timeless classics like Necrophagist or the unmatched intense brutality of Mozart; the mind-bending experimentation of Barry White or the smooth, soulful sounds of John Cage, tha Shirt got groove.

So today, in honour of the births of the German composer Hans Leo Hassler, Austrian musicologist Leopold Nowak, American blues guitarist Luther Allison, other American blues guitarist Eric Johnson, American singer Belinda Carlisle, Guns N' Roses guitarist (?) Gilby Clarke, Canadian blues guitarist Colin James, singer Donnie Wahlberg, former Nightwish vocalist Tarja Turunen, Norwegian singer Lene Marlin...

...and the deaths of Norwegian violinist Ole Bull, French composer Edmond Audran, early 20th Century American singer Billy Murray, French composer Jean Barraqué and the famous singer and actress Pearl Bailey...

...Here's today's Daily Shirt (whew, that was easy!)

Made Marion

2006-08-16T08:45:00.000-04:00

The Lord hath sent us a very special guest for today's Daily Shirt!

And what an interesting character he is. Here we have a televangelist...umm...sorry, 'religious broadcaster,' who has amassed a small fortune through various business deals, strategic investments (see background on the diamond mine investments with the benevolent Liberian president Charles Taylor, et all) and huge book sales.

He's also founded (or had a hand in the founding of) a number of organisations like the Christian Coalition, International Family Entertainment Inc. and Regent University.

Other notable notes include being a global warming convert (quite a coup for someone in his posse), speaking out on the evils of feminism, homosexuality as well as other religious denominations, calling for the assassination of a democratically elected leader, and generally trash-talking anyone and anything that dares expand the boundaries of his myopic little universe.

Oh, and thanks to his 'age-defying energy shake,' he can...umm...leg-press 2000 pounds. Pretty good for a man of almost 80.

Rich, intolerant and super-human. Wow. The Lord is certainly with him; and by 'Lord,' I mean 'Shirt.'

Chattin' her up, yo!

2006-08-15T09:02:00.000-04:00

Hey there, Tuesday crowd...

Well, there's not much interesting to say about today's Daily Shirt...just that she's a world renown broadcast-journalist! Could things possibly get any more exciting over here at The Daily Shirt?

A world-renown broadcast-journalist...who's a bit of a pansy when it comes to important stuff, like, you know, journalistic integrity. Don't get the Shirtmaster wrong, she opened up a lot of doors, windows, and various other structural throughways for women in this field, as she's been broadcast-journalisting since the early 60's (with some big name interviews under her belt). But she's been known for taking it easy on interview subjects, serving up some real softball questions, and going for the water-works in an attempt to connect with her audience on a more base, emotional level.

To be fair, she IS a 'celebrity journalist,' which gives her some leeway as it pertains to fluff, so I guess it all balances out. And further to this fairness bit, in the DISTANT past, she has had some seriously high-profile, world-leader types giving her a little of the ol' chatty-chatty. You're lucky, Walters...

Fideling while Rome burns

2006-08-11T10:02:00.000-04:00

Howdy weekenders!

The Daily Shirt is like a UN meeting this week - minus all the screaming and crying, fingerpainting and naptime - as Shirty has morphed into yet another playa on the world stage; though this time, it's one who's on his way out.

These crazy leaders; it's like 17 steps forward, 23 steps to the right, 15 steps back and then 36 steps to the left! And if that's not confusing enough, those pidgeons better have the air pressure in the front tires looked at.

So, may we present: The man who, for almost 50 years has presented a relatively successful economic model that runs counter to (and, in fact, flies in the face of) U.S. policy and survived despite ongoing American economic strangulation, has survived an estimated 600 CIA assassination attempts, has developed a murky (at best) human rights record for his country over the same period and who, oddly enough, has a birthday in 2 days.

A load of BS

2006-08-10T09:46:00.000-04:00

A strange thing happens to celebrities, and I fear that Shirty - even in it's vast Shirtological wisdom - isn't immune to the cult of personality that forms around otherwise unremarkable folks who just happen to have their stars align once, and then spend the rest of their existence in pursuit of past glory - all the while providing solid distractions for the rest of the world that enables bad people to do bad things under the cover of widespread public ignorance.

Case in point: Today's Daily Shirt. Here we have a person who can't even almost drop a baby without the world freaking out. Why is this important? People almost drop babies everyday. How does some famous person - driving with an infant on their lap - provide anything of value to one's day? These are empty calories for the mind. And we all know what happens to empty calories for the mind; they all go directly to the mind's thigh, resulting in the condition known as fat-head brain-bloatitis. It's true. Saw it on Wikipedia, I did... But don't worry; I'm sure Pfizer will have a slick commercial dealing with this condition in no time.

So what's the point of all this? Ummm...did you miss the title of this post?!? Oh, and the pic is some highly-paid BS too... Seeya tomorrow!

You should see the size of that bunny

2006-08-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

Time for another episode of The Daily Shirt - presented in stereo surround-sound.

Such a versatile shirt, so capable of such a great many things... You hear that, regular non-starched/varnished shirts in my closet? Are you happy just being a regular shirt, spending the duration of your existence with only MY head poking out the top of you?

You had so much potential when you still lay unclaimed at the various stores from which you were bought. A Scientologist could have bought you, or a person who serves food at a soup-kitchen, or even someone who would take you home to starch and varnish the living daylights out of you so that maybe, just maybe, one day you might star in your own blog...living the life of famous people, even if it is only for a couple of days, max...

But no... So I'm stuck with a bunch of shirts that are one-trick ponies. Good work, shirts; doing nothing but converge with pants to keep me warm, protected and unarrested. Good work. But can you do this???

Tuesday Morning Il'in

2006-08-08T09:36:00.000-04:00

Mornin' Shirtophiles,

You might have noticed through some of Shirty's faces that it has a tendancy to follow world events and personalities - from Condi Rice to Steve-O Harper and the like - because, well, they're just so darn funny.

If you're confused by that statement, please allow me to translate:

Να έχετε παρατηρήσει μέσω μερικών από τα πρόσωπα Shirty ότι έχουν ένα tendancy για να ακολουθήσουν τα παγκόσμια γεγονότα και προσωπικότητες - από το ρύζι Condi στο Steve-o Harper και όμοιοι - επειδή, καλά, είναι ακριβώς έτσι καταριούνται αστείο.

(A big thumbs up to Babelfish for the above bastardisation! Thanks folks!)

Now that we've cleared that up, today's edition of the Daily Shirt is another fun-loving despot (who, by the way, is safe from 'regime change' by virtue of actually possessing nuclear weapons); his birth was foretold by a swallow, and upon his arrival a new star was created along with the occurance of a double rainbow. He (supposedly) loves Rambo, 007 and the Friday The 13th franchise, and has a Micheal Jordan-autographed basketball - I present Dear Leader...in a starched, varnished pink shirt with flowers.

Now it all makes sense...

A February of postings

2006-08-03T09:49:00.000-04:00

Well what do I see when I log on today for what's becoming a morning ritual? The Daily Shirt has 28 entries - a February of posts! And no one is more surprised than I that we still have this much time on our hands. It really is a shame...a shame that no one's given us enough money to quit our jobs and do this full-time!

Ahhh February. Normally the Shirtmaster runs in terror from even the merest notion of that shortest of months. And living in the Great White North, that association comes with good reason; whether it's the icy hazards, slushy messes, or frozen hobos, it's just a nasty time of year.

Which is why is surprised me so when, during the course of the most brutal heatwave ever recently, I actually found myself escaping to memories of February just as a respite from the heat (and to indulge a slight hint of sadism). When you're hitting the upper 40's in celsius (that's a hundred and teens for you fahrenheit-readers), well you might as well be in Kazakhstan. Which brings us to today's Shirtalogical Transformative Undertaking Providing Identity Duality (S.T.U.P.I.D.).

Long a fan of his comedic madness, Shirty decided to heducate 'imself on just what it's like to be a Kazakhstani journalist in the land of opportunity. The movie comes out this fall. Re-spek!

The grandma who wasn't

2006-08-02T09:27:00.000-04:00

Welcome to tomorrow's yesterday!

Now's the time of year when one can't help but think back to earlier years, and in my case, numerous summer vacations from school wasted in front of the TV. And never is this more apparent then when two specific events converge; the first being me looking at how much work that I have to do (that, in this case, is being latered in favour of updating this thing) and the second is when I all-of-a-sudden get a flashback to some crappy television show that I watched for a summer when I was 13.

And today's Daily Shirt is a relic of one such show.

There was nothing particularly noteworthy about this program; like so many other aspects of our 'have it delivered' culture, it was there, not demanding to be watched - not even politely asking - just showing up regularly in the early afternoon so as to make it self available for television/viewer relations at my leasure. And if I remember correctly, it was on a low-number channel too, so it required only a minimum of button clicking to get there.

Ahhh...the lazy, mis-spent, soon-to-be-regret-filled, completely wasted, nothing to show for them days of summer...

Fallen from grace (Part II)

2006-08-01T09:25:00.000-04:00

We're fast-tracking today's Daily Shirt to the front of the queue, cause, well, it's timely. Makes sense - unlike the decision to run one's mouth about a particularly sensitive topic when one already has developed something of a reputation of having - shall we say - pretty extreme viewpoints on this particular topic.

Now, regardless of what side one stands on the Lebanon invasion or myriad other topics involving Jews, Judaism or Isreali policies toward their neighbours, it should be obvious to all that drunken comments by a public figure at this particularly sensitive time only inflames an already spiraling-out-of-control humanitarian disaster. The crazies in charge of the world (yes, I'm talking to you, US and Isreali administrations and their synchophants) can point to this as the ravings of a lunatic (no dispute there), given traction by the 'liberal media' (which I'll dispute any day of the week); meanwhile the various nutjob factions out there can look at this with quiet approval, as someone makes themselves a mouthpiece for their views to the public at large.

So, consider today's shirting a reprimand; a way for this little corner of the web to smack a little sense into an aforementioned nutjob. If you didn't think you looked like a fool before, you certainly do now.

Now go stand in the corner, Mel Gibson, and think about what you've done.

(Sorry about the above rant; I understand that these blog things are full of people spouting off about any number of things - is this some small way to feel like one is being heard, in a world where individual voices aren't heard no matter what we're led to believe? - and this blog is intended to be fun. So, tomorrow, I promise that we're bringin' back the funny. Stay tuned.)

The secret ingredient

2006-07-31T09:45:00.000-04:00

For some reason, corporations just don't like people spilling their secrets.

And it doesn't make a lick of sense to this Shirtmaster.

After all, isn't that the nature of the 'free market' which so greatly benefits these lumbering behemoths of commerce? That, armed with solid information, us consumers can make rational choices about how we exercise our purchasing power, thereby letting the market 'decide' who succeeds and who doesn't. It's the invisible guiding hand of the market place.

But wait; if corporations have secrets about their products, that don't allow consumers to have all the information that they might like to have about a product or organisation, than it's not possible to 'make rational choices about how we exercise our purchasing power.' Thus undermining one of the founding premises of the 'free market.'

Whew! Disproving the viability of free-market capitalism is a hard way to start a work-week! Time for a nap! Oh, and the secret ingredient is one goatee hair per order, from the artificially preserved and sustained head of the founding Colonel (who, by the way, is no General; that's for sure.) Enjoy your lunch!

And now, for something a little different...

2006-07-28T08:35:00.000-04:00

Are you sitting down?

Because, seriously, you're about to see the shirt like you've never seen it before. A whole new side to The Daily Shirt, if you will.

No, this isn't some sort of paparazzi-type pic feature the shirt with his pants down (which in and of itself is an interesting idea - how would a shirt wear pants?!), nor is it some sort of artistic statement like Shirty shopping for a dinner jacket (though there's another idea!).

Simply put, it's a brand new angle to The Daily Shirt that makes the almost-18-million-years-remaining of original heads for Shirty into many, many more. And depending on how you feel about this little space on the Whole World Web, it's either time to party or time to pack it all in and call it a life.

Either way, you finally have a use for that combination noose/silly party hat.

You're welcome.

Non-stop ralphing

2006-07-27T09:51:00.000-04:00

Greetings web-traveller, I hope you're always looking both ways before crossing the blogosphere...

Today's Daily Shirt is another tribute. Getting sick of these yet? Really? But there's only been one other. It's not like we're making you eat chocolate 'till you barf.

But really, you had to know it was coming; this blog in and of itself is a tribute to various forms of hilarity, so to not do another explicit tribute would have just been unpossible. A crime against nature. I can't just choo-choo-choose not to post a particular Shirty face because it offends your delicate sensibilities.

So, just calm down; it'll be over soon enough. We don't want you to get carsick in your fancy office, with all sorts of big, important diplomas from Bovine University. Living that dream, I see; didn't manage to grow up to be either a principal or a caterpillar, so there you sit, getting free entertainment when you probably should be doing something more important. Look, these tributes won't happen that often, but even if they did, there's always tomorrow to see a non-tributey face on Shirty. Possibly. In this crazy world of bent wookies and legs that don't know how to be as long as other legs, who can say for sure.

E = MC Sly-Dawg

2006-07-26T09:33:00.000-04:00

We've had some truly great heads on Shirty over the time that we've been doing this. It's really been an honour meeting some of these folks who Shirty - through it's mystical powers of Shirtentology - has animated.

By today's head might be the pinnacle of the peak; the top of the best of the number one greatest heads on a shirt since the dinosaurs created heads and shirts to frolic without sin in the Garden of Iran.

And that's not because this is the Shirtmaster's first head-on-a-shirt since Frank went on vacation.

And it's also not because today's addition represents some grand statement, prolific point, or awesome observation.

It's because today's Daily Shirt is the rare combination of nerd and 'playa.' Yup, the man who gave us the Theory of Relativity was also something of a ladies man in those days, and a bit of a dirty dog at that (dude did, after all, marry and pop out a kid with his cousin). He was also named Time Magazine's Person of the Century in 1999, and, perhaps coolest of all, he's got his own chemical element; number 99, 'einsteinium.'

Here's to you, smartest non-virgin in history!

Mystery head - Part I

2006-07-25T09:13:00.000-04:00

Well look who's come slinking back...

I have to confess, I have no idea who today's Daily Shirt is. Well, that's not entirely true. I had no idea until Frank told me, but...things like that tend to slip through the ol' memory-cracks, ya know? It's not like important things like the home address, which allergies are lethal and which merely hilarious or the list of Roman emperors in order of height.

I do know that it looks like some bizarre elf-type creature and that it's from a kid's show; further, that Frank's daughter picked it. As for a name - sorry, can't help you.

I also know that it looks sufficently silly on the shirt, and in the end, isn't that really what matters?

Fallen from grace (Part I)

2006-07-24T09:41:00.000-04:00

Welcome back! I hope the guards weren't too rough...

Today's Daily Shirt seems sooooo 1999. You remember 1999, don't you? The year before the Y2K bug broke the world. If I remember correctly, it took a good 3 or 4 whole nanoseconds to recover from that one. Those were desperate times full of desperate people desperately being desperate about desperation.

It was also the year that the Euro was introduced, Stephen King was hit by a car, and, who can forget, Jorge Batlle being elected President of Uruguay? I know I can't. All around good times - except for Stephen King. That didn't work out so well.

Oh, and the Earth was destroyed when the sun supernova-ed.

That sucked too.

But anyway, back to the topic at hand; Shirty's was just saying the other day how it had never been to prison, so it figured the best it could do is take on the face of a jail-bird. I mean, what kind of trouble could a shirt get into in the first place, to land itself a spot in the bighouse? Well, aside from taking on the face of a copywritten image like Mickey Mouse (oops!) or slandering a public figure like GWB (whoops!)...

Yeah...so anyway, here you go...

S-Dawg

2006-07-21T09:29:00.000-04:00

I don't know how Frank does it. Nor do I know how Shirty does it. And honestly, I'd like to keep it that way. This shirt is creepy.

Anyway, Frank brought his child into the office the other day - probably to trade her for office supplies, I suspect - so The Shirtmaster has the sneaking suspicion that the child could possibly have had a hand in Shirty's transformation on this particular day. What's weird is that one could also infer (from the choice of face) that he very possibly might have gone back to the 70's via some form of time-travel mechanism and brought a child back from that era to be his daughter. One is just as likely as the other around here.

Now, I haven't kept up with cartoons as much, perhaps, as I should, so for all I know, this particular child-amusing creation is still popular in this day and age of internet tubes. But what I do know is that I remember this character from when I was a kid. And that makes me feel old. So very, very old.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Drella

2006-07-20T09:55:00.000-04:00

Shirty has been playing the resurrection card again. After the rousing success of the Elvis head a little while back, it decided it was time to put on a heavy metal album, paint it's fingernails black and try it's hand at necromancing again, this time conjuring up another dead American icon for the shirt.

This time, we have an artist who made a name for himself - in part - by painting every day things, and then acting snotty so that these paintings would go up in value. Oh, The Art World; why must you be so fickle? Anyway, I never met the man, mainly because 1) I was 11 when he died, and 2) I had no reason to be in the New York Pop Art scene at that time (that was my Italian Baroque sculpting phase), so that assessment can't be vouched for personally. But suffice to say, all great artists are moody. So, if you're an artist and are generally well-tempered and good-natured, you probably suck. Sorry. I didn't make the rules...

Piecing one together...

2006-07-19T09:51:00.000-04:00

Today's post is a little later than usual because, honestly, I couldn't think of anything to write this morning. So, I decided that we're going to do a little stream of consciousness rambling and see where this gets us. Probably not very far, but hey - I'm already three sentences in! That's wickedly killer to the max.

Unlike that statement, which absolutely reeks of dated, cliche, teenage colloquialism that is so devoid of relevance to today, that's it's almost embarrasing to see those words strung together. Almost. Where does this garbage come from?

Anyway, that should do the trick. I can't believe you actually read that. Sorry.

Here's today's Daily Shirt.

The elevator at the Paris Hilton doesn't go all the way to the top

2006-07-18T09:26:00.000-04:00

Congratulations on surviving to today! That's quite the accomplishment! We're all proud of you!

Further to the topic of hard work and accomplishment, you might have guessed by the title of this post that today's face is the simplest life of them all, Paris Hilton (and if you didn't manage to guess that, are you certain that you should be driving on the internet by yourself??).

Now, Paris has been kicking around for awhile now, and it's just today that she's making it onto the blogulator. If you're asking yourself 'really? What gives?' I can assure you that you ARE alone when you think that, and should consider having that looked at. Anyway, it's just that there's been such an abundance of facial transformation lately that, well, she just kept getting pushed back, and pushed back - much the inevitability of the social collective's realisation that Paris Hilton's new hand bag has precisely zero relevance to anything beyond that one grey-matter-rotting second when you can actually feel that brain cell die from simply dedicating a moment to the consideration of Paris Hilton's new bag.

However, according to the e-mail I just received, Paris got a rolex and apparently I need to get one too. Finally...something important...

(Disclaimer: I have no idea if Paris Hilton actually has a new bag. Really, I don't. If that got you all excited, I apologise for the false start. But I'm sure that someone famous will have something new to gawk at soon enough, so just keep checking Yahoo news.)

Just Smashing!

2006-07-17T09:37:00.000-04:00

Well here we are again...

Today's Daily Shirt is a tribute to a famous Hollywood monster!

Aren't you excited? Shirty hasn't been a monster yet (unless you don't count Vader... or GWB), and Frank thought it about time we help make it's dreams a reality. Not like lucid dreaming, where a person is supposed to be conscious of their dream, and actually be able to 'direct' the course of it, in a sense, making it reality - mainly because Shirty isn't a person. But anyway...

Why this particular monster? Is it because Hollywood felt the need to screw with this particular legacy recently, and Shirty wanted to 'keep it real,' as shirts are wont to do? Or is it because Shirty is in reality a destructive behemoth ready to cause chaos, author anarchy, beget bedlam and all sorts of other alliteration pertaining to one who incites mayhem?

You'll have to ask the Shirt...if you dare!!!

Tribulum ad hilarity

2006-07-13T09:41:00.000-04:00

Consider today's Daily Shirt a tribute of sorts; but instead of using something valuable, we're stickin' a face on the shirt for your (but mostly my) amusement.

It's like when you were a kid, and everyone would want say 'I'm Wayne Gretzky' when they were playing hockey or 'I wanna be Akashi Shiganosuke' in Sumo wrestling class. Everyone did it. It was a right of passage. A way of feeling better about yourself by associating your negligible skills with a famous name. You don't honestly think that Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald got to where he is without pretending once or twice that he was Matlock, did you?

Boy...this takes me back. I remember being a little Shirtnovice Captain and playing '14th Century Italian Painters' - everyone always picked the easy ones, but I'd proudly stand up and say "yeah, well I'm Giovanni Cimabue" and then everyone would stand back while I finished some Byzantine mosaic or another. Those were the days...

So...if you don't know who the face is on Shirty today, you haven't been visiting the links! Do yourself a favour and make with the clicky-clicky. Those folks are making some funny stuff EVERY DAY (sorta like here, but they're way funnier) and tend to be something of an inspiration for the head-twisting madness that goes on here.

So, without further Apu...

Guess what happens in 17,884,545.4 years

2006-07-12T10:34:00.000-04:00

According to www.census.gov/ipc/www/popclockworld.html, the current projected population of the world is 6,527,859,090 (as of 07/12/06 at 14:29 GMT) .

This means that, as of just about right now, there are only 17,884,545.4 years left of The Daily Shirt before we run out of faces. This assumes that in the next 18 million-or-so years that we'll all still be here and that there will be no births or deaths during that time. Completely reasonable, we can all agree...

I know. It's scary. We're witnessing the end of The Daily Shirt. In less than 18 million years...that's it. It's done.

But all is not lost. In that count, not included are other faces that could realistically show up on Shirty - as we've seen, the currently dead, like Elvis, or fictional creations like Mickey Mouse or Stephen Harper are fair game. So, that buys us, what? What's the count on all those (for whom we have pictures) who have come before, as well as copywritten intellectual property? We'll just assume that it's about 100 or so... So that's another 3 and a bit months - plus 18 million years. It's like it's right around the corner.

Here's today's contribution...

The Bard

2006-07-11T10:10:00.000-04:00

Shirty hath donned the visage of greatness today!

Behold with wonder and maybe confusion, the image of the Dean Koontz of his day, he who hast created (if legend hold) many quotations and phrases that have passed into everyday usage though written hundreds of years ago now ("...a rose by any other name still f**king hurts if you prick yourself...", "to be or not to be? Make up your mind, son!" and "you gotta fight - for your right - to party!" just to name a few). The man whose plays and breakdance moves are still re-enacted to this day and studied by students, as the pinnacle of mastery of the English language (and rhythm).

You've got it; it's Willy Shakes. Forsooth? Really!

The Boat Lady

2006-07-10T09:56:00.000-04:00

Hey All,

We have a small problem.

See, Frank, The Official Fixer Of Heads To Shirty (or TOFOHTS, as he's known around the office - it's true; it even says so on his business card) will be going on 'vacation' for a couple of weeks soon.

(I know what you're thinking: Why did I put single quotes around the word vacation? Is it to infer that it may in fact not be a vacation at all? Or maybe I just don't know how to use punctuation properly. I:ll let you. Be the, judge.}

Why is this trouble? Are you new? Who is going to help along the transformation whist he's at his 3 million dollar beach house??? (By the way, feel free to ask for some money when you see him; he loves it when you do that!)

Well, it seems like there's only one solution...well, there are probably more than that; I mean, in life, is there ever only one solution to a problem? Sure, other answers may be inadequate because, say, they don't take into account the precise amount that a woodchuck can chuck, but rarely is there ever ONLY one choice. That's the beauty of being an adult; you can seal your own grave with one wrong move. Ahh...responsibility.

Which brings us back to this business of Shirty and faces. So, I propose that I'll take over said duties, but! If any of you folks out there would like to see Shirty sporting a specific head, hook a Shirtmaster General up and we'll get 'em up there! No person is too dignified, nor noble, nor revered that they can't be made to look a little silly on ye ald enstarchenated, varnishified Shirt.

So, without further delay, we present a VERY dignified woman, who perhaps takes herself and her position in the world a little too seriously. But she's had an oil tanker named after her, so maybe she is a little important. Oh, and I forgot , she's got a doctorate too. Say hello to Ms. "Smoking gun = mushroom cloud" herself: Doctor Tanker!

Oh man...I got totally (ship)wrecked!

2006-07-07T10:52:00.000-04:00

Today's Daily Shirt is a little obscure. Not so obscure that you'd have to know Jimmy's little brother - jimmy - to know the face. But obscure enough so that a number of people who typically pass by Shirty on any given day, and exclaim "oh! It's ______ today!" actually walked by, stopped, and pondered for a minute who this vaguely familiar face staring back at them was.

I'm not sure if that makes Shirty more fun or not.

For there's just something utterly ridiculous about seeing Darth Vader or Stephen Harper on Shirty; instantly recognisable faces in a context heretofore unknown.

But, what I do know is that it's really cold in here.

What does that have to do with today's Daily Shirt? Exactly...

From beyond...

2006-07-06T10:11:00.000-04:00

Shirty never ceases to amaze.

Is there no limit to the reach of the shirt? Whether it's conjuring up the images of fictional characters or famous faces of today, every day is a new, bizarre adventure in the life of the ugly laminated shirt.

And today is no exception, as Shirty has taken on the guise of another famous face - but, for the first time, a dead famous face. Is this an indicator that Shirty may 'be in too deep' with some kind of cult that walks around with q-tip's in their ears, boisterously humming The Popcorn Song whilst summoning the energies of the dead to learn the secrets of history? The alarmist in me says "YES! YES IT IS! We must take drastic action to save this shirt from itself!"

But that alarmist side has a tendency to go off the deep end, so, like, whatever.

Here's today's Daily Shirt...

Evil, thy name is Shirty: Redux

2006-07-05T10:31:00.000-04:00

Shirty did a strange thing the other day.

And, frankly, we're a little worried.

Typically, the appeal of Shirty is that it - in all of it's hideous hilarity (or, hidelarity - thanks Eric!) - makes the face look creepy. Notwithstanding the usually-whited-out eyes. That messes you up on a whole other level.

But, that's the thing; once in awhile, Shirty will throw you a curveball just to see if you're paying attention. Shirts these days; nothing but belligerence...and comfort. But mostly belligerence. And Shirty is no exception.

So...yeah. Into the office I trudge, only to be confronted by a spectacle unknown before. For, in it's transformation, the new face of Shirty actually made the shirt creepy instead of the intended opposite result.

At this point, it can be deduced that, simply, all the properties of the universe have become their inversion - "hot snow falls up," in the words of the great poet Homer - as a mystical object with unlimited potential to increase the creepy-factor of any face has in and of itself become more creepy via it's natural transmogrification.

I have looked into the yawning abyss, and oddly enough, it looks like a ranch called Neverland.

The Church Of Shirtentology

2006-07-04T09:56:00.000-04:00

Hey Peeps!

Today we have a very special (and I mean VERY special) edition of The Daily Shirt!

Why, you ask, would today, of all possible days, be special? What makes this particular Tuesday any more magnificently Tuesdayish than any other?

Is it because it's the 4th of July - Independence Day - for our American friends?

Naw, too easy...

Is it because it's the start of another work-week and you get to add some meaning to your life by living vicariously through Shirty and it's various persona?

Maybe...

Or, is it because people can be gullible and ignorant, acting independent of rationality and sense, and are celebrated for it - especially if they are famous and wealthy - by a population who are generally able to give you a complete bio of said celebrity but stare blankly at you if asked to find Afghanistan on a map?

Bingo!

To distraction!

To diversion!

To today's Daily Shirt!

Lawsuit Time!

2006-06-29T09:36:00.000-04:00

Funny, that. It was just the other day that Shirty expressed it's desire to take on the form of a copywritten image to (and these are direct quotes from the shirt) "stick to the man" who's been "keeping shirts pressed or folded for generations now" and depriving them of their rights to a starchy, varnished, 3-D existence. Seemed like a really bad idea.

We begged. We pleaded. We ordered Chinese food.

And then we said, 'screw it!' Look, if a pink, three-dimensional, shiny, starchy shirt insists that Disney Corp (a division of McDonnell-Douglas Killing Machines) has given a shirt permission to use one of it's images in blatant violation of it's intended purpose, who are we to argue?

Fine, if it's really a problem, we'll get our people to take their people out for a night of Uno and panhandling and all should be settled...

Evil, thy name is Shirty

2006-06-28T09:20:00.000-04:00

One of the best things about Shirty is that it can be anyone. And today's post illustrates the sheer versatility of Shirty (not on par with, say, that franchise of movies where Rambo played a boxer called Rocky, but close)...

So, without further delay: He's evil, and always wears black (except for today); he admitted that he's Luke's father without even demanding a paternity test, and supposedly, he invented walking.

Feel yourself overwhelmed by the power of the Shirt side.

She's not that pretty, but she's got a great smile...

2006-06-27T09:20:00.000-04:00

There's something wonderfully blasphemous about 'improving on art.' Typically it just shouldn't happen, as it's usually done by some hack who thinks that whoopie cushins are funny (by the way, they aren't; just in case you weren't sure, but didn't want to answer for fear of looking like a tool, or a possibly an imbecilic morning-show DJ).

It's like that guy who added the can opener to the painting of the can of tomato soup. Lame.

Or whoever decided to give all of the heads on Mount Rushmore crossed-eyes. Weak.

But, since we here at The Daily Shirt are infallible and just generally awesome, it's completely okay...nay...expected, to merge Shirty with the face that is the focal point of what is one of the most famous paintings in history (no, it's not one of those dogs playing poker...)

The Harp

2006-06-26T08:56:00.000-04:00

Well, another week is upon us, and you know what that means... Back to work! Aren't you excited??

No?? Oh...well, than, think of it this way. Going to work means that I get to put up another post on The Daily Shirt! So, if you like The Daily Shirt - regardless of whether you go to work or not (perhaps some of you work non-9-to-5 jobs...or don't work at all) - than you should be f**king thankful that it's the start of a new work week. Got it?

Let's try this again... Aren't you excited that it's a new work week? Yeah? Well that's just super to hear!

So, who do we have gracing Shirty today, you ask? Why it's none other than Canada's own Arbusto, Stephen Harper; Mr. Increase defence spending aka offense spending aka tax dollars used to kill people of different skin colours in far away lands so that our economic system can come in and set up shop in those far away lands and make a killing exploiting the indigenous population and their resources so that we can continue to gorge ourselves on the spoils of the blood of others...Himself: The Harp. Enjoy!

Arbusto

2006-06-23T09:55:00.000-04:00

Greetings Shirtaholics...

Well, now that you've seen Shirty in it's natural environment and as it's main personality (yup, if you look close, it's Joan Rivers who hath bestowed upon our simple shirt the powers of transmogrification AND the secret to the perfect omelette), it seems appropriate to start at the beginning...not the grocery store beginning, we've already covered that - but yet ANOTHER beginning. You know, the putting-faces-on-Shirty beginning that we covered yesterday...

So, we here at The Daily Shirt are proud to present Shirty as he first burst onto the scene (and proceeded, in just 24 hours, to become absolutely HUGE in Japan), as the 628th Presbian of the United Shirts (oh, and also the current United States president); destroyer of Texan energy companies, starter of wars and abandoner of the people, we give you 'The Decider;' George W. Bush.